10 years ago today I made a decision.
I remember the day so well. I woke up early at my sister's house. My childhood best friend was with me. I went to have my hair done at a family friend's house. I came back and did my makeup - my friend told me I was putting everything on in the wrong order.
D picked me up and took me to the temple. We were so young and in love. I felt so lucky to have someone who saw me the way he did. We made a beautiful couple. We took the most beautiful pictures. I cried during the ceremony. My mom had to keep fixing the top of my dress. The sealing was beautiful. The luncheon was beautiful. I sang to him. His friends toasted to us. Our get-away car was tastefully decorated...
What is the point of reliving all of these memories.
Unexpectedly, today is turning out to be one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I didn't know that what should have been a milestone anniversary could bring on so much hurt; not when I have found so much peace.
I guess the difficulty is remembering how much hope we had. We both wanted a life together and had such a promising future. I loved him and he loved me. We both felt that we needed the other to be complete. It just so hard to imagine that anything could tear us apart.
What happened? Did we become different people? Did we forget what we were working toward? What could possibly be so difficult to work through that we would give up what we had? Why couldn't he have just told me he was worried about our relationship instead of just waiting until he felt there was no hope?
We obviously loved each other deeply at one time.
Our marriage was a choice. Both of us made it. This divorce was also a choice, but it was not mine. How fair is that?
Someone asked me how I could not have seen what was happening. I really don't know. I figured that our problems were just like everyone else's problems and all I wanted to do was work together and grow together. I still firmly believe that if he had been willing to, we could have made it work.
Anyone who has been reading this blog knows that I work very hard to not say anything bad about D. He is a very good man and does not deserve to be brutally bashed in a place where he cannot defend himself. Days like today, however, make it hard for me to not vent my anger.
Last year, on our 9th anniversary, we were getting ready to go on a family cruise. We were talking about having another baby. I contacted my family to tell them that we wanted to have a big 10 year shin-dig the next year and they were all invited. Whether or not people believe me, I did not know that he already had it in his mind that our marriage had failed.
Yes, the difficulties that we had in our relationship were both of our fault. But I will never except the blame for our marriage ending. I begged to work things out. I compromised. I sacrificed. I pleaded for us to get counseling. But he just said that it was pointless. It wouldn't do any good.
I really do understand better now. Most days I'm grateful to be where I am and to realize what I could have someday. I guess it's just hard today because I remember having that same hope when I made my promises to D 10 years ago.
It's just another step in the process that I have to go through. I know I will be ok and that somehow both of us will find the happiness that we had back then. It's just hard. Most of those 10 years were amazing. I wish that I could have celebrated today a little bit differently.
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