So here I am, close to 7 months since my last post....and I find myself needing this again.
One thing I discovered during this process of healing is that there are many phases to go through. And I find myself repeating many of them over and over again. One day I feel great! The next day I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. My therapist reminds me all the time that it will come in waves and to not worry about whether or not it means that I'm not doing good on my road to recovery.
Oh - my therapist! Yeah, that's a new development. I actually started seeing her around the same time I stopped blogging. I got to a point where I realized that I needed to be sure that I was coping properly. And I also realized that I could no longer write my feelings in a public setting without saying things things about my ex that people don't really need to know I think. So I began a private journey that turned more into going through the motions.
This morning, however, I had another epiphany. I think it came about because of decisions that have been made recently that have thrown my entire world out of whack...again. That happens a lot, by the way. The whole "life hands you curve balls" thing is real! And for a major life transition like divorce, the curve balls don't stop.
Let me back up a little.
I am officially divorced. May 28th. The second worst day of my life - which also happened to be an amazing day. Long story short, the day D went to the courthouse to have the judge finalize the papers, I was getting on a cruise ship for a solo vacation that will forever define my determination and independence. So it was the best of times and the worst of times for sure.
Before and after that day, I feel as though I mean it when I say that I felt I was just going through the motions. It's actually a coping mechanism, I've come to realize. If I have logistical things to deal with in my life, I don't have to deal with the emotional stuff. I was talking to a professional who let me know that I'm perfectly normal. I had the kids to focus on and a house that held endless possibilities of rearrangement. There were guys to date and songs to sing and the emotional stuff was much easier to ignore.
Don't get me wrong, I still have rough days. But I mostly ignored the magnitude of how this divorce had impacted my life and my psyche.
Then D and I decided to put the kids in school.
I guess that's being generous. Again, this blog is not to bad mouth my ex so I wont go into details about how the decision mainly came about because of his lack of his support and more of his broken promises. The end result wont change no matter how much I cry and complain about how it came about.
So I'll just say that the decision had to be made and I am heartbroken over it, but I know that this is the way it has to be for now.
Jonah will be going to public school. Becca will be going to VPK. They will not be homeschooled this year.
And I have officially experienced my first real panic attack.
School is not a bad place for my kids and I know that they will do so well and will thrive and just be as awesome there as they would be as home.
But it represents the final nail in the coffin. Everything about my old life, the life I chose and worked for, has now been taken away from me.
And I worry so much about different things. Some are legitimate fears and some are just worries that in the end will prove to not have been anything at all. But they have taken away my sleep and my calm....which brings me to this morning.
4:00am, I awoke thinking about a specific fear I have and there was absolutely no way I was going back to sleep. I became very shaky and it became hard to breathe. I decided that laying there panicking was doing me no good so I decided to organize my craft closet. (See how I go straight to cleaning and organizing and rearranging when I feel like I've lost control of something. I find it so interesting).
Anyway...
I had a lot of thoughts during those few hours of freaking out and crying and praying and forcing myself to doing something constructive to keep my heart from exploding. One thought, however, hit me hard and gave me a knew focus. This was my epiphany.
If you read or remember my first epiphany, it was that I needed to learn to love myself. That is still so important to me. I may have lost the a little of the drive after I finished my goal of taking part in a 5k, but I did not lose the desire. So that is still something I strive for everyday. But this epiphany had to do with my precious children.
Those amazing kids have been through so much this last year and a half. And they have done spectacularly! They have been resilient and loving and happy and accepting -- all things that D and I did not deserve for what we put them through.
Having said that, I realized that with all the things I've been coping with and worrying about, I have missed out on part of their childhood as I have dealt with the logistics on having my life turned upside down. I haven't had as many opportunities to sit down and play make believe with them. The summer got away from me since I thought we'd have the school year to do more activities. And during the moments when I just couldn't hold in the heartache I was feeling, they had the keep themselves company while I took some time to cry...I know that these are not horrible things and that every mom needs time to themselves for one reason or another, but it probably happened more often than what should have been normal. Despite all that, my kids are still so awesome and know how much they are loved and show me love constantly. I am so blessed.
But they deserve better. They deserve more of my time and non-business like attention. I'm done with trying to clean and organize while I have them in my care. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have time away from the kids...50% of my nights as a matter of fact. I can use that time more wisely so that when I'm with my babes, I'm 100% with my babes. I don't want to miss out on any more of their precious childhood years. Too much of it was spent dealing with the effects of the divorce and its time that I change my focus, especially now that I will no longer have the chance to spend every day with them for their schooling.
I love my sweet J and B more than I ever thought I could love someone. They are my family. They are all I have left of the life that I dreamed of for myself. They are the most important part of that life. I do not want to take my time with them for granted any more.
How I plan to use this blog to help me with this new focus, I don't know. But I felt strongly that I needed to write it. If for no other reason than for me to get my feelings out. Perhaps someone going through a similar situation will read something that will help them along their path. Maybe the people who will read this who know me and love me will be able to help keep me accountable. I don't know why I'm blogging again, but I already feel better for just getting it all out.
My kids should be here soon.......I can't wait to start our day together!!
