The First Holiday

The parenting plan. Probably the *funnest* part of divorce.

Fortunately, D and I agree on most everything. It doesn't make it suck any less. There are going to be times that he has the kids and times that I have the kids. We both love our kids very much and we both deserve to spend as much time with them as possible.

Thanksgiving was the first holiday where we began our "rotation". J and B got to go with their dad to spend the day with his family in Gainesville. I spent the entire day trying not to be sick over it.

There are not a lot of kids in D's family. In fact, J and B are 2 out of only 3 grand kids on his side. Compare that to the 30+ grand kids on my side. My family is use to kids. D's family is not. So not only was Thanksgiving the first holiday that I was not with my babies, but it was the first time that they spent an extended period of time in a non-kid-proof environment where I couldn't protect them. It was a hard pill to swallow to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing I can do about the times when the kids aren't with me. I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter, but it still took a lot of trust for me to be able to allow them to go.

It's taken a while to get use to being alone on the nights that D had the kids. It's not something that I enjoy or look forward to, but I handle it a lot better now that I did at first. But it's a completely different thing to be without them on a holiday. I'm not sure if I'll ever get use to that.

I missed them - terribly. Fortunately, I'll get to be with the for Christmas.

Next year, we'll swap.

fun. fun.

I must say, however, that they had a great time. I don't know the details but I saw a few pictures. And no matter what they did or who they were with, at least I know that their dad loves them more than anything. They were safe and they came home happy. I am blessed in that.

As for my day, I am so loved! I have amazing friends here in Florida who have taken such good care of me while I'm so far away from my extended family. I wish I could have had Thanksgiving dinner with all the people I was invited to join! But I would still be eating, I think.

I was able to enjoy two Thanksgivings that day. It made it easier to be able to focus on my blessings when I was busy enjoying the company I was with.

Life is not what I wanted it to be. But it is still beautiful. Because of the unconventional circumstances of my family, I will not always be with my children for special celebrations. I'm just so glad that I'm at a place in my journey where I was strong enough to still enjoy myself and look forward to the times when I will be able to be with the two loves of my life.

It was hard. I'm not going to lie. But it was much better than it could have been.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

The First Set-Back

I realize that I am behind and have been thinking all week of the many things I want to blog about...but it's been difficult because of different things that have happened. Plus, it's pretty time consuming. Still, it's been so worth the effort.

 My mom is actually the one who reminded me that I was behind on my blog. I appreciate the accountability check-ins. Feel free to keep me on my toes.

I actually did blog early last week, but I took it down. Remember when I mentioned, probably 10 different times, that this is blog is mainly for me? Well, that is still true. But I still am trying really hard to not put anything out into the world that can be viewed in a negative light. It is not my intention to offend. A story that I told was misinterpreted and  I realized that perhaps not all of my posts need to be published. Some things are just better kept to yourself. There may be a time when I'm ready to sharpen up the story and re-publish it again. But in the meantime, I am grateful for the opportunity to write out my thoughts and feelings in some form or other. You can't even know how therapeutic this blog has been for me.

So...last week was an interesting week. I ran into my set-back in my couch to 5k program. I got an injury.

The week started off great! I was able to run for several 3 minute intervals on the treadmill and felt myself getting stronger. Afterwards, however, I could tell that my right knee was not happy. I've always had some problems with my knees; nothing major - I've just dealt with some dislocations in the past and they like to pop as I walk down stairs. So I decided to get a knee brace for stability. Unfortunatly, it didn't help. Two days later on the next run, I could barely limp up the bridge.

I realized I needed a break. It was such a bummer because it was all going so well and I was feeling so great! I have been super careful. I took one to two day breaks between runs. I was eating well and stretching....I think it was my shoes.

So that's what I'm doing; taking a break. Just this week - I'll be back on the program next Monday. I suppose it only set me back a little bit, but it was still a hurdle I didn't expect. A little bit discouraging, I might add. I couldn't help but worry if I'm really up to the challenge...

I find it so amazing, sometimes, how God gives inspiration in the most unexpected places, and how other people's experiences and wisdom can make such a difference in your life, even when that person didn't intend to inspire.

I have a friend with whom I've been blessed to be a part of her physical healing process. Once or twice a week I give her a massage. It's been so amazing to watch her get stronger and have to endure less and less daily pain. She often tells me how grateful she is that I am able to help her, but sometimes I think she's really helping me. She is one of the more inspiring people I've ever met.

This last week she said something to me that has changed my view on life. She didn't say it "for" me, but rather as part of something she was going through herself.

"You need to fall in love with the goal, not the process".

I love the idea of finding joy in the journey. It's something I've always tried to focus on. And what this friend of mine taught me does not take away from being able to find joy wherever life might lead you. What my friend reminded me was that plans never go the way you want them to. If you become inflexible in the "how" part of the goal process, then it's too easy to become discouraged when the hiccups come along and you have to change your course.

The goal is the focus! Fall in love with the goal and only look at the process as a means of reaching it - a process that can be flexible and adjusted as needed.

Ok - so I know that this is a no-brainer idea. Everyone knows that things rarely ever go as planned. You need to be willing to adjust and reevaluate. But there is something different about the idea of falling in love with your goal. It gives it such a positive spin! The goal then becomes worth the challenge. It gives perspective and excitement to the end process even when the plan of how to reach that goal falls apart.

My process seemed so easy. Follow the program. It was going to be so fun and fulfilling. I fell in love with the plan. When I ran head-first into this setback, I became discouraged and frustrated and felt that my 5K goal was destroyed.

But really, what is the bottom line? What is it that I want to fall in love with? I want to fall in love with what running this race is going to do for me. The goal is what is important. I had a set-back, so what! Maybe I wont be ready for a run in January (though I think I can still make it at this point). I'm not going to let the hiccups deter me. The specific steps in the process is not what is important. What's important is that I can make changes where I need to in order to move forward toward what it is that I really want.

The real-life application for this is a simple one. When you fall, get back up.

But at this point in my healing process, I have found myself applying this to the goal of where I want to be at the end of this life.

Wouldn't it be great if we could soar through this life unscathed? If we never made a mistake or veered off the path that was laid out for us? If we never experienced obstacles in our path? If we never had to struggle through any set-backs or hiccups whether of our own making or not? Wouldn't that be so much easier!?

Well, as we know, we need to experience the "bad" so that we can appreciate the "good", so obviously that isn't going to happen.

But it is so easy to become discouraged when things don't go as planned. Thinking about my own circumstance, divorce was never part of my plan! I was so in love with the idea of a picture perfect family. I had a husband and children and a home and a plan. I loved this plan!

Divorce is kind of a big set-back. It changed everything I had ever wanted and worked for and I had no control over it.

So what am I doing now? I'm creating another plan. I'm setting in motion another way of reaching my goal of living a good life, however that life might look, and returning to my Heavenly Father. THAT is the goal I need to fall in love with. I need to be so excited and determined to receive all the blessings that I've been promised when this mortal life is over that  no matter what plans fall apart, I can keep going.

I keep focusing on what it is I wanted for my life and how I can't have it anymore. But I'm beginning to see how it's ok that things are different from what I planned. I have a different reality from what I had hoped for, but it's not going to make the end process any different as long as I don't lose sight of what's important.

My goal is to be able to hear my Father say, "well done, thou good and faithful servant". (Matthew 25:21)

And I want to bring my children along for the ride.

I love that goal. It's a worthy goal and will be worth whatever hiccups and set-backs and adjustments I have to make to reach it.

That one time - when I was ugly...

Couch to 5K is still going strong! Except that I think I finally hit my first wall.

Up until yesterday, my morning runs have been awesome! I would almost wish they were longer and I was super excited that they were relatively easy - at least easier than expected. It's kind of nice to discover that you're in better shape than you had realized.

For some reason, however, yesterday's run was rough. It's not that it was hard, I just didn't want to do it! The plan was to go to yoga and get on the treadmill afterwards. I had to force myself to wake up for yoga and then spent the whole hour in an internal struggle deciding whether or not I could get by  skipping the run for the day.

Fortunately I had a goal and was determined to not get behind. Yay for holding yourself accountable!

But I didn't enjoy yesterday's run. It's ok though. I'm really thinking that it's not a normal thing and wont effect me moving forward. I'm already looking forward to when I can run again. I think it was just that morning. I hadn't eaten well the night before and had been staying up very late for a couple of nights beforehand. I guess there is something to that whole eating well and getting plenty of rest thing, huh?

I made it through the run despite being tempted to just go half way. I ran a lot less distance than the last time I was on the treadmill. But you know what? I finished it -- even when I didn't want to. Even when it was hard. I'm choosing to look at this as progress.

So, on to today's subject. While I was running, I was thinking about self-image.

I'm a girl, obviously. I am also a normal girl. I go through cycles and periods of time when I hate how I look or I'm uber-critical of myself. And being who I am, comments about how I look or how I come across in public - or lack of comments -  REALLY effect me. It's silly, I know. But it's how I am.

The most prominent, and most recent, example of this is how I viewed myself after D began the process of ending our marriage. I had never felt so unlovely - so physically ugly. I mean, if I were attractive, why would he give up on my so easily? I know - that's not a realistic thought process. But it's how it made me feel.

I imagine that the years leading up this point didn't help me with my self-image. Becoming a mom changed how much time I spent in front of a mirror. The only times I really put any effort into how I looked was for church, when I went out on a date with D, or when I had some sort of performance to attend. Probably the best compliment I would get during this period in my life is that I "clean up well". I truly began to believe that I was not an attractive person. But it wasn't that important to me. I mean come on! I had someone in my life that loved me no matter what! Right? :-/

I never did see myself as "ugly", though...not until my roadtrip to Arizona. This epic trip, which I promise I will eventually chronicle on here, was right after Dwight began to lay out his plans for our separation. I still have a hard time looking at pictures of that time because I hate every one of them. I felt ugly. I believed myself to be ugly. Maybe I wasn't...but I saw myself that way.

At some point in my journey, when I'm ready, I'm going to finally post some of those pictures for my family to be able to see. I'm just not quite ready to face that dark period...

It was an interesting time. Obviously I was going through a lot of emotions at the time, and focusing on the fact that I was looking and feeling especially frumpy was probably one of the lesser of the difficult things to deal with. I'm honestly not really sure how I pulled out of it since it was not a priority. My real focus was dealing with the emotional aspects of the breakup and making the tough decisions that came as a consequence of the changes beyond my control. No time to worry about whether or not I hated looking in the mirror or seeing a picture of myself.

It wasn't until my run yesterday that I began to think of the contrast between how I viewed myself back in June and how I view myself today.

Fortunately, I've come to have a much more positive self-image these days. When people compliment me, I'm beginning to actually believe them. I've found myself appreciating some of my physical aspects rather than shying away from even noticing them. I almost hesitate to write any of this, but I have to remind myself that I'm doing this blog thing for me. I'm not going to allow myself to worry about coming across as vain or self-absorbed because it's important for me to be honest with myself about these things. Today I can look at the mirror and see someone beautiful. I'm really grateful for that. No apologies.

Why do I feel differently about the girl I see in the mirror now vs 6 months ago? I still worked out and focused on being healthy back then. I still smiled. I had all the same clothes. These days I probably have even less time to primp then I even had back then. So - what's the difference?

Maybe it's inside of me. Maybe since I don't have the luxury of being with someone who I thought would love me despite my imperfections, I've automatically begun to change into someone who could love themselves despite the imperfections. Maybe... Hopefully.

 That's what I'm working toward, right? Self-love and acceptance. I would love to be able to see myself in a beautiful, positive light physically as well as love the person I am on the inside.

Or perhaps the difference is that I went from not spending much time caring or thinking about myself to having to consciously think and care about myself in order to survive. Otherwise I would have ended up in a dark corner somewhere. Maybe there is something important about spending a little bit of extra time of "you".


In writing all of this, I automatically worry about how I come across. We live in such a judgmental world. When someone says "I'm ugly", you might get people who tell you to "stop saying that" - "don't think that" - "you're just fishing for compliment". And when someone says "I'm beautiful", you get those who will say "you're so full of yourself" - "you think you're so much better that other people" - "stop being so vain".

Well guess what world? Feelings are real. How we view ourselves is a real thing. And it's ok to be real. I'm not writing any of this as a way of fishing for compliments (although, I must say that my love language just so happens to be "words of affirmation") or as a way of pointing out how beautiful my eyes are so that people will notice.

I just want to appreciate how far I've come. It's kind of a nice thing to like what you see in the mirror. It's exciting to think that I can like what I look like even when I don't have someone who I'm hoping will notice.

You're still going to see me running errands in the stinky yoga pants and bedhead that I just worked out in -- I'm too low maintenance to keep up with my hair and makeup every day. But I'm not going to drag myself down about it anymore. I'm a beautiful person -- inside and out. That's so weird to say out loud! But I kind of like it.

I just thought of a post for another day -- Wouldn't it be so great if we could all speak our own love language...to ourselves!

Something to think about :-)

Who am I doing it for?

Today's blog post is another pretty personal one, but one I need to write. It's a part of my journey that is going to make all the difference as I progress forward. It might not make a lot of sense and I'm trying to keep specifics vague when it involves other people. But it makes sense to me...and perhaps it will make sense to someone else who is traveling on their own path towards living fully.

There is something that I hope to make very clear as I'm writing out my story and trying to make sense of what happened in my past and where it is I'm heading. I want to make sure that anyone reading this knows that "D", the man I had spent a good portion of my life with, is an extremely good person. He hurt me more than I think anyone ever could, but he is still one of the most caring human beings I've ever known and more importantly, an amazing father.

I do not intend to disrespect him in anyway as I go through this process.  He made mistakes. I made mistakes. We all make mistakes. But it does not make us bad people. And it especially does not make us irredeemable.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...more therapeutic writing time.

During our years of marriage, I found myself adopting a lot of D's habits and opinions about things. Many of these habits and opinions pertained to what he believed in a spiritual sense. I think a lot of my reasoning behind it was that I wanted to bridge some of the gaps between our beliefs so that we weren't so incredibly different. In the end, it didn't matter that I allowed myself to follow the path that he was choosing for himself in order for us to have more harmony in our marriage. None of it helped and we ended up growing apart anyway.

There is an analogy I learned a long time ago that has stuck with me. You can look at temptation like a dimmer switch. The light is dimmed just enough until you realize that it's gotten a little darker and the light stays where it is for a while. Once your eyes adjust to the new lighting, it begins to be turned down a little bit more until you recognize what is happening again. And then, again your eyes adjust. And then the process repeats itself until all of a sudden, you're in total darkness.

I feel like that is what happened overtime during the last few years of my marriage with my own spiritual self.

Again, D is not an evil or wicked person. He is an exceptional person. It's just that he was not living the life that I had always wanted to live and was not making the choices that as a young girl I had always dreamed of my eternal companion making.

But I loved D. I still love D. And at the time I wanted to make things work. So I began to accept the life he wanted to live. And eventually, once I adjusted to the life, the dimmer switch began to be turned down a little at a time. My values and beliefs became less important. Church attendance and high standards began to suffer. Eventually I embraced some of the choices that he had made for himself and found justifications along the way.

I don't blame D for my choices. The way he has chosen to live his life is not bad or wrong for him or for anyone else who makes the same choices. It's just that at one time I had wanted my life to be different than what it had turned out to be, but I lost sight of that and became comfortable and content. No one is to blame but me.

When D told me for the last time that he had no intention of trying to fix our broken marriage, I decided to get myself back on the track I knew I should be on. It was hard, and slow going. I began to wonder what it was I really wanted. Maybe I did want to continue living the life that I had become accustomed to. It would be easier.

But then I made a friend.

This friend was the encouragement I needed. He helped me see the life I could have if I was to keep my choices in line with the gospel. He helped me realize that I had another chance to have the priesthood in my home and take part in church service. The choice to get myself back on the path that I knew I wanted to be on had begun to become easier for me. It was an exciting time full of hope and growth and blessings.

But who was I doing it for? Why was I making the choice to change when it would have been so much easier to continue the life I had been living for so long? I told myself that I was doing it for me, but in the back of my mind I wondered. I had allowed myself to change for D in order to even out our playing field. Was I doing the same thing for this friend?

I now know the answer to that question.

This friendship was, unfortunately, short lived, but it impacted me in a huge way. That life that I saw for myself, the life I grew up hoping to have, really is the life that I want to live.

So, in some ways, it's a good thing that my whirlwind adventure with this friend ended. I know now for sure who I'm making these changes for.
I'm doing it for me.
I'm doing it so that my home can have the Spirit dwelling there; so that my children will be able to grow up with knowledge of the Gospel and build a relationship with their Savior. And because I've made the changes that bring me closer to the Spirit, I've been blessed with the ability to take the steps I've needed to continue on this journey of self-love and acceptance that I'm currently on.

Along with this new-found strength that my friend has helped me discover, the experience gave me another amazing blessing: the ability to forgive.

I am still coming to terms with the end of my marriage. I may never fully understand the reasons why D made the decisions he made. But if he hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to find myself again. I see much more clearly that my relationship with D was probably not the best thing for either of us. We both find happiness in different places. I didn't realize that before now. I have a long road to full recovery, but I'm headed in the right direction.

So, who am I doing this for? Why am I writing all of this here and now. Maybe I'm writing it to D as a way to say that I understand; that it's ok and I forgive him. Maybe its a message to my friend to say thank you for the time I was given and all it's taught me.

Mainly though, it's for me. I want to remember with clarity each step in this process. And I want to be able to be honest with myself as to where I've come from and where I want to go.

For the first time in a long time, I look forward to attending church on Sunday. I look forward to serving in my ward and taking part in ordinances that I had lost touch with.

I think that perhaps I will be even better off than before. It's a nice thought....I have a lot to look forward to.

A cute thought for the day

I saw this little comic today and it made me smile. It's pretty self explanatory and can probably apply to so many different people and so many different situations.

Thank you zenpencils.com for this hopeful little story

"To love at all is to be vulnerable"

The idea of putting myself out there to be hurt again is so scary. But I've been blessed with hearing some stories lately of broken hearts being mended by someone who was so much better for that person than what they had before. 

I love little things like that that bring peace and comfort. One day, I'll be able to look back and be so happy that things turned out the way they did. It's just another adventure.

Dealing with Rejection

On Monday I will be auditioning for another play.
I LOVE theater. I love being on stage. I love singing. I love developing a character that is not my own and I love living in a different world for a while. I just love the stage.

I HATE auditions.

I've been pretty privileged to have gotten cast in many of the shows that I have auditioned for, but there have been plenty of times that I've either not gotten the part I really was hoping for or was not asked to be a part of the production at all.

Rejection sucks. Every time. And I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Even when I knew very well that there was a legitimate reason why I was not cast, there is still a sadness that comes with not being chosen for a part.

This time around, for this particular show, I'm pretty prepared for rejection. The role that I would really like to play is going to be very difficult to get anyway, and you just never know what the directors are going to be looking for. The odds are pretty tough.

Even though I know that my chances are slim, I know that it will still be sad and it will still hurt and I'll probably be fighting off a little bit of bitterness for a while. One positive thing that I also know is that it wont last forever.

And it's not going to stop me from still putting myself out there to try. At least there is some hope for me in that.

It's the same thing with relationships. Rejection sucks. No matter how nicely it was done or how inevitable it was, you still deal with sadness and hurt and bitterness.

I know that time makes it easier, but what else can help?

From my personal experience, things always seemed to get better after I begin the next relationship. That's when I have always been able to move on and forgive.

Well, that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do this time around. That's why I'm working so  hard toward self-love and acceptance. I want to be able to know for myself that I'm awesome without having to have a guy in my life telling me so. I want to break the cycle of needing someone there to make me feel good enough.

Don't get me wrong, I want to have someone in my life. And I'm prayerful that my love story will have a happy ending one day. But my whole purpose in this blog and in this process is for me to be happy without - so that I can be truly happy with.

All this thought of my most recent rejections and the possibility of experiencing another form of rejection this next week after this audition has me wanting to find a better way of coping. Chances are I will probably experience more heartache before I'm through. But I really don't want the fear of rejection to keep me from putting myself out there and trying again.

Obviously, today's post is not a super thoughtful and positive narrative of how far I've come. Rather, it's the first of many that proves I am still on the road to recovery.

So - what do I do? How are you suppose to deal with rejection? Is there a magic process? Is there a way of protecting your heart without hiding away and playing it safe?

I think I need to ponder on this one for a while. Suggestions are encouraged :-)

Watching the Sunrise

How this whole couch to 5K things works is that you start out really slow. Day 1 was about 20 mins long and you're only running for 6 of those minutes with walking rests in between each run. And then the difficulty increases each day. But you're only suppose to run 3 times a week and take day breaks between each session where you can do something else besides cardio. My plan is to do yoga between days.

I just finished day 2. I actually had two days between my runs this time because I wanted to do the bridge again (and because my shins needed extra time to recover from the Day 1). So far I'm really loving this program. It was hard to make myself wake up early to go, but I'm so glad I did.

If I hadn't gone I would have missed the chance to watch the sun rise over the river from the top of the bridge.

It reminded me of another sunrise I got to see; the first sunrise I had ever seen over the water.

Part of my journey these past 6 months took the kids and me on an epic roadtrip to Arizona. That story is probably several blog posts in and of itself. Today's story happened after I returned to Florida.

I was so incredibly fortunate to have an amazing place to stay while searching for my new home. A good friend of mine allowed the kids and me to stay in her townhouse about a mile from the beach in Cape Canaveral. It wasn't just a place to crash. We called it the transition home and it was beautiful and peaceful and will always be a special place to me.

One morning, I got this crazy notion to jog to the beach. Remember, I'm not a runner so this was a pretty silly plan. I did not enjoy the run. It was a semi-rainy morning and I had bad shoes and was still dealing with a lot of grumpy, bitter, angry feelings. The run wasn't doing anything positive for me. In fact, I almost turned back several times despite it being a relatively short distance. But I urged myself on hoping to finally watch the sun come up on the water.

You would think that someone who's lived so near the Atlantic for over 7 years and had been on several Caribbean cruises would have seen the sun rise over the ocean by now. But for whatever reason,  I hadn't.

When I got to the beach, the sky was light and I figured I had missed it. It was still so beautiful! The rain had stopped and the sky was pretty clear and the weather was gorgeous. I was glad I had gone and was relieved that I finally made it.

What I didn't realize was that the sun had not yet truly risen.

I began walking along the beach, meditating, forcing myself to think about happy things and not on the stresses I was dealing with. I was also trying really hard not to focus on the trek back home that I knew I would have to endure.

And then the sun actually came up.

In case you've never had to a chance to see it, there is an actual moment when the sun peaks up over the horizon. It was the most beautiful, surreal sight I had ever seen. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that while the sky was light, I didn't actually see a sphere in the sky yet. But I'm so grateful for that pleasant surprise. I'll never forget the awe I felt.  It was glorious to see and I spent several minutes just staring and thanking my Heavenly Father for the moment.

One of the best parts of that morning was that the jog back home was actually pretty pleasant. Yay for tender mercies!

That was several months ago and so much growing has happened since then. That morning was actually a turning point in my journey. A dark cloud had been lifted - just from taking the time to appreciate one of God's magnificent, yet simple beauties.

So here's my metaphor for the day...

One thing that the people who are closest to me know is that I love the sun. It's kind of my thing. It has always represented growth and renewal. It's gives me something to look forward to after a dark night.

I grew up watching the sun rise over the mountains and had many opportunities to see it set over the Pacific and had always loved it. But even then, I had no idea how amazing a sunrise could really be. I didn't even know how to anticipate the power of the moment when peaked up over the horizon. Now I do.

I have heard many times that the most important word we have is "remember".

The moments before the sun rose this morning, I stood remembering my first experience watching the sun rise over the water.  I didn't know exactly when it would happen, but I was able to look forward to the beauty; anticipating the exact moment when it would peak up over the horizon and begin the day. And it was just as amazing as before.

Isn't that how it happens sometimes? Past experiences can play a huge role in our ability to cope. Until I had experienced the sunrise for the first time, I didn't really know how breath-taking and life changing it could be. But now I know what I have to look forward to.

And until I had experienced true pain and loneliness, I didn't know how incredibly loved and blessed I am by my Heavenly Father. And now, no matter what dark and difficult experiences I might come across, I know without a doubt that the most amazing sunrise is on its way. I can put my faith and trust in my Savior knowing that there is hope and renewal and I will be stronger because of it.

Today, as I was running on the bridge, enjoying the beautiful morning and thinking about this super wise (and cheesy) metaphor I had come up with, a song starts playing on my phone.

How appropriate is this!

She sees the storm clouds gather

The sky is turning cold and gray

She knows that something's coming

When she starts to feel this way

She pleads for intervention but Heaven offers no relief

And she would understand if she could only see

Sometimes He lets it rain

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow

He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain

But sometimes He lets it rain

And when her heart surrenders to the Master in control

Her spirit learns the lessons of the tempest in her soul

When it's no longer raging

She can see how far she's come

Through the wisdom and the mercy of the Son

Sometimes He lets it rain

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow

He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain

But sometimes He lets it rain

There is no joy without the pain

Sometimes he has to let it rain

There is so much comfort in knowing that while going through the rough times, or the "storms", they will not last forever. And while they are necessary for growth, we will never have to go through them alone. We have a loving God and a merciful Savior who will carry us through the worst of it and who's eternal promises are sure.

  "My daughter, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

                                                                                                                     D&C 121:7-8

I know that even after the darkest of nights, there is the most amazing sunrise to look forward to. I know this because I've seen it and experienced it. And my hope is to always remember this so that I can put my trust in the right sources. 

I look forward to the incredible view that will come at the end of these trials. And I look forward to the person that I will have become because I experienced them.

The Ring

My thoughts for today are short and sweet...literally and figuratively. "J" is the sweetest (and relatively shortest) man in my world and on days like today I'm pretty sure I don't need any other.

Check out the ring he made for me!

It was all his idea and he spent quite a bit of time on it. He told me that he put the stone in it (he calls it buried treasure because he found it outside) so that it can shine in the sun.

I'm not sure if he'll ever understand how this simple gesture of just wanting to make a special art project for him mommy has lifted my spirits and helped me to continue to find contentment.

I don't know how I would get by without my sweet children. If I was only allowed one man to be in my life, it would be this handsome guy.

An Attitude of Gratitude

A few nights ago, the night/morning of the epiphany, I had a really rough night. I have good days and bad days and this had actually been a rather rough entire weekend.
I remember being in a little bit of a panic because I was thinking about the talk I had been asked to give the following Sunday (this coming Sunday). The topic: how having an eternal perspective can help us to be grateful in any circumstance. Interesting timing...

I had read a great conference talk article that went along with this topic. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, a leader of my church, suggests that instead of focusing on being grateful FOR our circumstances, we should be grateful IN our circumstances. The whole idea behind this is that there are plenty of times in our lives when things are not always going so great and we feel less than grateful for what we are dealing with. But if we can have an attitude of gratitude no matter what, then we can continue to be grateful despite the rough times.

Makes sense...but so hard to implement in the moment of pure defeat.

That's how I was feeling that night. Just defeated. I'm not quite ready to tell the story that lead up to this most recent "low", but I will soon. It's an important part of the overall story that explains what led me to my current mission of experiencing self-love and acceptance and achieving something great for myself.

Anyway, that night - this was me...


The hardest nights are the ones when I don't have the kids and I just feel so alone.

And I was so worried about how I was going to give this talk about having an eternal perspective and how it can help you be grateful no matter what...
when I was anything but grateful or hopeful in that moment. 

But I tell you what, throughout this whole transition process, from the moment I realized that my life was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop it, up until this very second as I am writing this blog post, I have not been left alone. Even during the worst of it, when I felt so incredibly by myself in my struggles, one way or another I have received a "3am epiphany" of some sort and everything worked out and I received the strength I needed. 

It's been pretty amazing, actually.

I was talking to a friend not too long ago about how blessed I've been. I told her that I felt like Heavenly Father was throwing fast-ball-blessings at me constantly and it's nothing like I've ever experienced before. She then made the observation that I have probably always been that blessed, it was just that I never noticed them until this point in my life when I really needed them. No doubt she's right.

So maybe that's what it means to be grateful in our circumstances and not necessarily for our circumstances. There's nothing wrong with being sad or feeling defeated or begging to have the hard parts taken away. Even our Savior asked if the bitter cup could be removed. I think the important thing is how we choose to react to the bad circumstances in our day-to-day lives that really matters.

Fortunately, our Savior has also promised to make our burdens light. Boy, does he ever!

The thought of creating for myself a goal that would help me focus on self-love and healing was absolute inspiration born of encouragement from an unexpected source and the promptings of a loving Heavenly Father. Working toward a 5k is something I've always thought I would like to do someday but was too afraid to try. And I never would have thought that I could use it to help me get through this rough patch. There's no way I would have come up with this idea on my own or have the courage to go through with it.

So going back to having gratitude: I am so thankful that no matter what is going on, I know that I don't have to have all the answers. My Heavenly Father knows what I need. He knew that I needed to take the time to write out my story. He knew that I needed to focus on personal growth. He knew that even though for those few moments of despair when I felt like there was absolutely no hope of being truly happy, I would be able to experience the sun rise again and I would be comforted.

And now here I am, propelled with a determination that I didn't know that I had. And I feel so grateful. I still struggle with the eternal perspective part because it's hard to picture my eternal family in this moment, as broken as it is right now. But I can trust that He will help me get out of that trench as well. So even though my circumstance is not ideal...and its hard...and it sucks a lot of the time...I can still feel grateful.

I should probably start on that talk now.

The Epiphany

Last night I had an epiphany.
I guess it was more like 3:00 this morning.
I realized that I didn't need someone to love me for me to be enough. I just need to love myself.
Of course, that doesn't mean that having people in your life who love and care about you isn't important. I just realized that the low points in my life were the times when I lost someone I loved and didn't feel as if I was good enough without them. It was as if I needed someone to care about me in order for me to be my best self and be fully happy. I don't want to live like that anymore. I can't live like that anymore.

I'm creating this space to tell my story and to chronicle my journey to becoming my own best friend.

So, first off - why am I here?

Well, this year has been full of some of the most incredible highs and the most devastating lows.

I had such a great life. Last January I celebrated my 9th anniversary to an amazing guy who took care of me, supported me in all my craziness, and allowed me to stay at home to be with my two beautiful children. I was confident, talented and surrounded by people who I enjoyed being around and who enjoyed being around me. We had a beautiful home. My husband had a stable job that he loved. Even with the trials and imperfections of life, things were pretty great. I felt blessed and happy and secure. I knew what I wanted in life and how to get there.

Then a bomb was dropped.

My husband of 9 years decided that he no longer wanted to be my husband. I think I'll save the details of how that transpired for another post.

But the bottom line is that my world was turned upside down and I was not prepared for it. I wish that I could say that I was strong and self-assured enough that I handled the break-up gracefully. Perhaps in public it looked as if I did. I think I handled it as well as I could, but it tore me apart. All that confidence I felt I had...yeah, it was gone - as if it never really existed. I was crushed and lost and even now don't know exactly what life has in store for me.

That was last May.

The last 6 months have been a crazy roller coaster of healing and heartache and self-discovery. But I have yet to begin the journey that I think will bring about the most peace...becoming enough without a partner. Becoming my own best friend.

I am committed to this blog for the next 8 weeks. I hope to go longer, but that is my minimum. I'm choosing 8 weeks because part of my plan is to achieve a goal that I've always been afraid of trying - I'm going to run a 5K. It's going to be a couch to 5K, meaning I don't run. It's hard for me and I've never been one to work hard at something that doesn't come easily to me. And that's exactly why I'm choosing to do this. I want to work hard at something that is hard for me to do. I want to struggle through a process of MY OWN CHOOSING. I want to have full control of something and prove to myself that I AM strong. I AM capable. And I'm going to be ok. I'm not doing this for anyone else. Just for me. And I can't wait to see where the next 8 weeks lead me.

So, now that I've gotten all that off my chest. Time to keep myself accountable.
Goals:  
      Physical Growth:
Participate in a 5K at the beginning of the year
        *Find a 5K and sign up for it
        *Follow the Couch to 5K program running 3 times a week with yoga between days (I already started this morning!)
   
     Spiritual Growth:
Scripture reading every day
Daily morning prayer of gratitude
   
     Emotional Growth:
This blog
       *blog at least 3 times a week to help me get it all out and see my progress
       *be honest 
Continue setting goals

This is how I'm starting out. I'm not doing this to impress anyone - I don't have anyone to impress. I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this to be a better mom, a better person, and someday maybe even a better wife because I wont have to rely on someone else loving me in order to be truly happy.

Wish me luck!

* Since I didn't have the kids this morning, I decided to start off in the most beautiful setting I could think of. It went awesome and it felt great. I'm super encouraged and motivated. *