Bad Days

I haven't written a post for a while...which means I'm kind of not sticking with that part of my goal very well. We'll just chalk it up to the CRAZY holiday season that we just enjoyed. And I do mean "enjoyed". It was rough because...well, its a rough time that I'm going through. But I was able to enjoy it very much, and more importantly, so were my babes.

What I haven't been slacking on, however, is my running! I'm sticking with it. It's going to take much longer than the originally planned 8 weeks. Not only did my week of injuries set me back a little, but the program really pushes you! One week it has me running 3 minute intervals, the next 5 minute intervals! I'm actually really enjoying the running, but I'm being careful and doing each week several times before moving on to the next level. It just works better for me that way.

My favorite thing about the running is that I spend a lot of time thinking. I think about why I'm running, about what I would like to blog about as I find the time, and I think about the person I am and what I'm becoming. It's still such an amazing growing experience.

I feel very fortunate that I am a positive person. I've always been able to look on the bright side. This time in my life has been the most difficult to keep up with that part of my personality, but most of the time I've still been able to remain upbeat.

Sometimes I wonder that because I am a positive, upbeat person, if I am not allowing myself to deal with the bad stuff well enough. You hear it all the time: people bottling up their feelings and eventually exploding in a bad way because they didn't face their issues head on. Well, I definitely bottle things up. I worry about it sometimes, but I've had a few days recently that helped me find good ways to deal with the sadness and negativity of my situation.

A few Tuesdays before Christmas, I went to a rehearsal. This rehearsal is one of my regular, weekly 3 hour long rehearsals where I am blessed to sing with 2 groups of fabulous people who have become as close as family to me. Since D and I separated, the kids have been having to go with me to the rehearsals. It has been a pretty hard adjustment all around. The kids are up over 2 hours past their bedtime, I'm not able to 100% focus on the songs we're working on, and the kids cause a little bit of a distraction because, well, you know - they're kids! I feel so bad for them and for the other members of the group. Really, they are all awesome about it. The kids actually enjoy it and my friends are so supportive and patient. Normally there is no problem.

This particular Tuesday, the kids were extremely restless and I was especially emotional. As I've said before, my kids really are amazing! They are good kids. But they are very much kids. I barely made half of the rehearsal before I couldn't take it anymore and I brought them home. They crashed as soon as their heads hit the bed and I spent the rest of the night and the next day laying around being sad and crying over my situation.

I hate that in order for me to continue singing and enjoying my hobbies and passions, I have to drag my 4 and 5 year olds to 3-hour long rehearsals. I hate that it's so incredibly hard to keep up with my housework because I now have to take on more roles than any one person should have to take on on their own. I hate how I've lost so much control over my life. I hate how much guilt I have to fight knowing that the place I'm at in my life is not my fault even though it feels that way.

It's funny how one bad experience reminds you of all the bad stuff that you try so hard not to focus on. Then you spend the next day or so dealing with it all at once.
 
I think D had the kids the next day so I'm glad they didn't see me spending so much time being down. I really don't want anyone to see me as anything but my normal, upbeat self, especially my kids. I am strong and capable and growing so much. But even the strongest have bad days. I've come to realize this.

I've also come to realize how important my bad days are. It's the bad days that allow me to be genuinely happy on my good days. I have to deal with the pain somehow. Fortunately, my bad days don't last long. I've kind of given myself a time limit to how long I can let myself have a pity party. And then it's time to get up out of bed and remind myself of the things that make the bad days worth living through.

So, for the most part, I believe that my happy self is not a facade. I really am happy, despite the circumstances.

This holiday season brought about more bad days than usual. While I didn't really expect it to be that way, I'm not surprised. It's really hard slowly realizing how different life is from what it was...from how it was suppose to be. But I'm doing good. I'm actually doing pretty great, considering. But I have been feeling less upbeat lately. I am so glad that 2015 is around the corner. 2014 has been a crappy year. I'm so ready to let it go and move on. I believe wholeheartedly that next year is going to be amazing. I'm going to have my bad days. I'm going to let myself have those bad days. Then I'm going to shake it off, smile and continue moving forward.

I'm going to be amazing.

Blessings, blessings, homeschooling, and more blessings

I was so afraid to run today. I'm finally back to where I was when I first hurt my knee which has  me running for 3 mins straight. When running is not your thing, 3 minutes is hard! And I'm pretty sure I psyched myself out by being so afraid of it. I was literally praying during the whole run. Please help my muscles keep my knee in place. Please keep my lungs from exploding. Please don't let me give up on my goal because it's difficult...

More than any other time in my life, my testimony of the power of prayer has be strengthened by the constant blessings and answers that I've received. The fact that I survived today's run and feel excited about moving forward is just one of the many obvious examples where the heavens opened and the blessings where hurled in my direction. It may seem like such a simple thing, but I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knows how important this is to me.

Something else that is important to me, homeschooling.

Today's post is one of those subjects that sparks a lot of debate and controversy, but I'm only here to chronicle my thoughts and feelings on the subject. The idea of homeschooling was, at one time, a no brainer. NO WAY! I don't have the patience or the knowledge. I had all the common misconceived views that you hear about children who are home taught. I was so against it at one point that I'm positive it was only Divine Inspiration that got me considering it in the first place. I have no clue when my thought process began to allow me to consider the idea, but I'm so glad that I did.

I want to do what's best for my kids. I've done lots of research and have reached out to many groups and individuals in my area for information and support. Home schooling is not just a passing fancy to me. And through study and prayer, I came to realize that it's what my children need, at least for now.

One of the first things that people would comment on to me after learning about my impending divorce is concerning what they felt was my inability to homeschool now that I'm going to be a single mom. Comments like that were obviously made with the best of intentions. Home schooling takes a lot of time and effort and resources even in the best of circumstances! How in the world would I make it work when my available time and financial means were greatly decreased? The only answer I have to that question is *faith*.

I feel very strongly that, at least for right now, homeschooling is the best thing for my children. D is not 100% on board but I am so grateful that he trusts me enough not to fight me on it at this time. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot in order to give J and B the opportunity to learn in the environment that will best benefit their learning styles.

Some days are hard. Other days are amazing. One such day was yesterday. Jonah and I spent about an hour doing 2 pages of his reading lesson. This is the result.

It was such a sweet experience to listen as he read the words and told his own stories and drew pictures based on what he was reading. There is no way that he would have been able to be that creative in any other setting. I loved seeing him express his creativity in this way. It was a super special experience.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with public schools. I just know that, for a lot of reasons, it's not where my children need to be right now at this stage in their life. They are thriving and learning so much just from being allowed to explore their world. 

Today, we joined out homeschooling group on a field trip for a Nature Hike in the Enchanted Forest Sanctuary. When we got there, J pointed to the visitor center and asked, "is that my school"? I loved being able to tell him, yes! It is his school. Everywhere we go he has the opportunity to learn and observe and discover and explore. I can't describe how grateful I am that despite everything, I can still make it work for him to experience the joy of homeschool.

I could not make this work without the favor and blessings of my Heavenly Father. 

As my thoughts have been focused on blessings these last few days, I think I would like to do a little blessing count. Here are just a few of the things that I have been incredibly blessed with since the separation of my family began that have allowed me to continue to be the mom I want to be:

The support of my family - which has never faltered

The love of friends - who have practically taken care of me like my family

Specific people who opened their homes during my transition from my family's home to my current one

My amazing friend who watches the kids when I need to work so that I can have the flexibility to do massages on demand and still keep the kids home with me

My job -- so many things about my chosen field of massage therapy has made my new life easier

My house which was purchased by my brother for me in order to make life affordable

My brother who bought my house and will probably never realize how much he has blessed me

I could actually list specific things about each of my brothers and sisters that have blessed me, but I'll never finish this blog post

My ward family who have stepped up to the plate to help me with whatever I need

The YMCA -- I'm pretty sure the only thing that has kept me physically able to move during the darkest days has been exercise 

The scholarship the YMCA granted me so that I could keep going there

The special friend who brought us a Christmas tree

Our homeschooling group who give my children so many opportunities to learn and socialize

The friends I have made these last few months who have been my biggest cheerleaders and encouragers

My renewed love of the gosple

These are just a few of the more obvious blessings. I love seeing how so many of my blessings come in the form of people who have been put in my life in order for me to receive these blessings. I feel like every day I notice sweet little things that my Heavenly Father gives me or shows me that reminds me of how much He loves me and how He's not going to allow me to be left alone or fail at the things that I find most important.

I'm just feeling so grateful today. For my children. For my family and friends. For the ability to stay as positive as possible despite the difficult circumstances and lack of control I have over them. 

A friend of mine told me recently that she felt inspired to tell me to be ready, because I'm going to soar! I have no clue what that means, but it resonated with me. I feel so love and supported by so many.  I have been so blessed. How could I not come out of this whole thing strengthened? 

I think the greatest blessing I have received out of all of this is that I was not allowed to give in. I could have let this whole situation break me. I could have given up on my desire to homeschool and be home with my kids. I could have locked myself away from friends and wallow in the sorrow that accompanies destroyed dreams. I could have been crushed by all of this. But I was, and still am, determined not to be. That kind of motivation could have only been given to me by Heavenly Father; no doubt. He has never given up on me. He's going to get me through these challenges whether its the huge one like a life changing divorce or a smaller one like running a 5k. 

For all of you that still check out this blog and have been following me in this journey and cheering me on, thank you for being one of my blessings <3

Back on track...kind of

They say that bad things happen in threes - so I think I'm covered.

Injured knee - check
Fall down the stairs - check
Super nasty weekend cold - check

SOO I am done with this round of set-backs from my running schedule and ready to get moving again.

Back up the bridge I go!

And, unfortunately, back to the beginning I go. Well, not the very beginning, just back to week #2. But, I still have time. The 5k I want to run isn't until the end of January.

I wish I could say that it was easy to get back into it, but it's not. The important thing,however, is that I'm not giving up.

And another important thing is that my focus hasn't changed. Putting the effort and the thought into the goal of finishing my couch to 5k program is constantly reminding me that I'm working on personal growth in all areas of my life.

Everything is going great. Some days I hit little snags, like the day that D brought over the parenting plan paperwork that we need to agree on and turn into the lawyer in order to get our divorce paperwork written up. Little things like that remind me of how difficult the rejection part of this whole thing is to deal with. It's also little things like that that remind me of how far I've come, how strong I am and how much more positively I am able to view myself.

Getting back into the running program is hard. Running is hard. Falling down the stairs (literally and figuratively) is hard. But I am not giving up! I ran the bridge two days ago so today I'll be getting on the treadmill today. And I'm not going to stop until I reach that goal!

And I'm thinking it might be kind of cool if I keep running after this race is over...literally and figuratively :-)