10 years ago today I made a decision.
I remember the day so well. I woke up early at my sister's house. My childhood best friend was with me. I went to have my hair done at a family friend's house. I came back and did my makeup - my friend told me I was putting everything on in the wrong order.
D picked me up and took me to the temple. We were so young and in love. I felt so lucky to have someone who saw me the way he did. We made a beautiful couple. We took the most beautiful pictures. I cried during the ceremony. My mom had to keep fixing the top of my dress. The sealing was beautiful. The luncheon was beautiful. I sang to him. His friends toasted to us. Our get-away car was tastefully decorated...
What is the point of reliving all of these memories.
Unexpectedly, today is turning out to be one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I didn't know that what should have been a milestone anniversary could bring on so much hurt; not when I have found so much peace.
I guess the difficulty is remembering how much hope we had. We both wanted a life together and had such a promising future. I loved him and he loved me. We both felt that we needed the other to be complete. It just so hard to imagine that anything could tear us apart.
What happened? Did we become different people? Did we forget what we were working toward? What could possibly be so difficult to work through that we would give up what we had? Why couldn't he have just told me he was worried about our relationship instead of just waiting until he felt there was no hope?
We obviously loved each other deeply at one time.
Our marriage was a choice. Both of us made it. This divorce was also a choice, but it was not mine. How fair is that?
Someone asked me how I could not have seen what was happening. I really don't know. I figured that our problems were just like everyone else's problems and all I wanted to do was work together and grow together. I still firmly believe that if he had been willing to, we could have made it work.
Anyone who has been reading this blog knows that I work very hard to not say anything bad about D. He is a very good man and does not deserve to be brutally bashed in a place where he cannot defend himself. Days like today, however, make it hard for me to not vent my anger.
Last year, on our 9th anniversary, we were getting ready to go on a family cruise. We were talking about having another baby. I contacted my family to tell them that we wanted to have a big 10 year shin-dig the next year and they were all invited. Whether or not people believe me, I did not know that he already had it in his mind that our marriage had failed.
Yes, the difficulties that we had in our relationship were both of our fault. But I will never except the blame for our marriage ending. I begged to work things out. I compromised. I sacrificed. I pleaded for us to get counseling. But he just said that it was pointless. It wouldn't do any good.
I really do understand better now. Most days I'm grateful to be where I am and to realize what I could have someday. I guess it's just hard today because I remember having that same hope when I made my promises to D 10 years ago.
It's just another step in the process that I have to go through. I know I will be ok and that somehow both of us will find the happiness that we had back then. It's just hard. Most of those 10 years were amazing. I wish that I could have celebrated today a little bit differently.
Sunrise
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Love and Loss
When people first found out about D and me separating, I got a lot of sympathy. Some people understood how I felt because they had experienced the same loss. Other people couldn't empathize, but sent me as much encouragement as they could despite not really understanding what I was going through. But for the most part, everyone was kind and helpful and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.
A couple of times I was told that going through a divorce was as bad as losing a spouse in death. I couldn't really relate since I had never experienced the latter. All I knew was that I had lost something and the grieving process was brutal.
I use to wonder if my grief would be the same had I lost D in any way that was not by choice.
I now have a better idea of the difference.
Last weekend, my sister's husband of 13 years passed away. He was 36 years old.
Her loss is not the same. I know that now. Apples and oranges. Both of us have experienced life changing loss and both of us have pain associated with it. But I could never say that I know what it is like to experience the kind of loss she's going through.
So in writing my feelings about my family's experience this last weekend, I'm not going to focus on the similarities and differences of what she and I have gone through. Instead, I want to focus on what she had.
My sister, "S", was madly in love with "J". They had their problems like all couples do. Some of them were shared and others, I'm sure, they kept between them. But their love was so obvious.
As I was reading the portion of his life story that S had written, I remember being so impressed at how all the beautiful things she had written about him were things that she spoke of regularly before he passed away. Every time I saw some sort of public exchange of how they felt about each other, I was happy and encouraged by their expressions of love. They didn't wait until they were apart to say how they felt. It didn't take J dying before S expressed how highly she thought of him. They put effort into their relationship every day and the affection was apparent.
Their love was beautiful. It still is.
How do you achieve something like that? I use to think that I knew how. I even thought that I had something like that at one time.
I have lots of examples of great relationships. I also have lots of examples of bad relationships. If my brother-in-law's death has taught me anything, it's to strive to have relationships in my life that I will not regret or wish that I had worked harder on.
It's taken me a long time, but I now can see some things in my marriage that did not work. Some things are my fault - some are not. Some things could not have been helped. Some things were actually really awesome! But I know that if I had lost D any other way than the dissolution of our marriage, I would have wished I had done things differently. I would have realized that I did not put enough effort into seeing the good in him and sharing my feelings with him. I would have regretted the time we spent being angry about unimportant, petty things. I would have been so mad at myself for how much I took him for granted.
This is another step forward, I suppose. I know now what kind of love I want and what I need to do to ensure that I can always look back and be grateful that I appreciated every moment. More than that, I realize how important it is to cherish all my relationships: children, family, friends.
To anyone reading this, don't be afraid to tell your loved ones how you feel. Hug and kiss and cuddle. Public or private, it doesn't matter. Who cares if people think its cheesy or annoying. There may come a time that you wish you had spent more time letting that person know how you felt. There's no doubt in my mind that J loved my sister. I saw it during his life and I'm so glad she'll never have to wonder.
A couple of times I was told that going through a divorce was as bad as losing a spouse in death. I couldn't really relate since I had never experienced the latter. All I knew was that I had lost something and the grieving process was brutal.
I use to wonder if my grief would be the same had I lost D in any way that was not by choice.
I now have a better idea of the difference.
Last weekend, my sister's husband of 13 years passed away. He was 36 years old.
Her loss is not the same. I know that now. Apples and oranges. Both of us have experienced life changing loss and both of us have pain associated with it. But I could never say that I know what it is like to experience the kind of loss she's going through.
So in writing my feelings about my family's experience this last weekend, I'm not going to focus on the similarities and differences of what she and I have gone through. Instead, I want to focus on what she had.
My sister, "S", was madly in love with "J". They had their problems like all couples do. Some of them were shared and others, I'm sure, they kept between them. But their love was so obvious.
As I was reading the portion of his life story that S had written, I remember being so impressed at how all the beautiful things she had written about him were things that she spoke of regularly before he passed away. Every time I saw some sort of public exchange of how they felt about each other, I was happy and encouraged by their expressions of love. They didn't wait until they were apart to say how they felt. It didn't take J dying before S expressed how highly she thought of him. They put effort into their relationship every day and the affection was apparent.
Their love was beautiful. It still is.
How do you achieve something like that? I use to think that I knew how. I even thought that I had something like that at one time.
I have lots of examples of great relationships. I also have lots of examples of bad relationships. If my brother-in-law's death has taught me anything, it's to strive to have relationships in my life that I will not regret or wish that I had worked harder on.
It's taken me a long time, but I now can see some things in my marriage that did not work. Some things are my fault - some are not. Some things could not have been helped. Some things were actually really awesome! But I know that if I had lost D any other way than the dissolution of our marriage, I would have wished I had done things differently. I would have realized that I did not put enough effort into seeing the good in him and sharing my feelings with him. I would have regretted the time we spent being angry about unimportant, petty things. I would have been so mad at myself for how much I took him for granted.
This is another step forward, I suppose. I know now what kind of love I want and what I need to do to ensure that I can always look back and be grateful that I appreciated every moment. More than that, I realize how important it is to cherish all my relationships: children, family, friends.
To anyone reading this, don't be afraid to tell your loved ones how you feel. Hug and kiss and cuddle. Public or private, it doesn't matter. Who cares if people think its cheesy or annoying. There may come a time that you wish you had spent more time letting that person know how you felt. There's no doubt in my mind that J loved my sister. I saw it during his life and I'm so glad she'll never have to wonder.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Another milestone
I accidentally ran 5 minutes!
I just wanted to see if I could do it.
Earlier this week I decided to run the bridge again. I hadn't run the bridge since starting the 3 minute week (which I have repeated 4 times now) and so I decided to challenge myself.
The week 3 of my couch to 5k program looks like this:
1 1/2 minute run, 1 1/2 minute walk, 3 minute run, 3 minute walk - repeated 2 times
I started the final 3 minute run when I was at the top of the bridge. Going down is SO much easier than going up - so I decided to keep running even after the program told me to slow down and walk. I ran all the way down and felt amazing. I have no clue how long I ran but since it was so easy, I decided to keep running to the car. Running on a flat surface is obviously more difficult than running downhill. I just wanted to see if I could do it.
Once I got to the car, I thought of how nice it would be to end my run next to the water, so I kept running. And I made it!
I was totally "Rocky" in that moment. It was amazing!
Even after that, however, the idea of running for 5 minutes straight without the benefit of a steep down-hill slope scared me! So on my run yesterday, which was a treadmill run, I decided to stick with my 3 minute run.
But it was so easy! Wasn't it just a month or so ago when 30 second runs winded me? And now I can run 3 minutes with no problem?!
So once again, in the middle of my second 3 minute run I decided to keep going. Am I possibly ready for 5? Let's find out...
I totally ran 5 minutes! You wouldn't believe the mantras going on in my head.
* I can do this *I'm amazing! *Look at strong I am! *I am powerful! *One step closer to my goal!
and all the other cheesy things you say to yourself to keep yourself going.
It was incredible. I've never been prouder of myself.
I know that 5 minutes is nothing to a lot of people out there, but it was huge deal for me.
After the run, I went to a yoga class. Have I mentioned before how much I love yoga? And as challenging as yoga can be, it was cake after running for 5 minutes.
My favorite part of the class: my instructor mentioned at the beginning how we should celebrate our small victories. That is what I'm doing - celebrating a victory! 5 minutes is only a small step toward my ultimate goal, but it is a victory nonetheless. And I am so incredibly proud of myself for pushing for it.
I'm finally ready to move on to week 4! Only about 8 weeks after starting :-)
I just wanted to see if I could do it.
Earlier this week I decided to run the bridge again. I hadn't run the bridge since starting the 3 minute week (which I have repeated 4 times now) and so I decided to challenge myself.
The week 3 of my couch to 5k program looks like this:
I started the final 3 minute run when I was at the top of the bridge. Going down is SO much easier than going up - so I decided to keep running even after the program told me to slow down and walk. I ran all the way down and felt amazing. I have no clue how long I ran but since it was so easy, I decided to keep running to the car. Running on a flat surface is obviously more difficult than running downhill. I just wanted to see if I could do it.
Once I got to the car, I thought of how nice it would be to end my run next to the water, so I kept running. And I made it!
I was totally "Rocky" in that moment. It was amazing!
Even after that, however, the idea of running for 5 minutes straight without the benefit of a steep down-hill slope scared me! So on my run yesterday, which was a treadmill run, I decided to stick with my 3 minute run.
But it was so easy! Wasn't it just a month or so ago when 30 second runs winded me? And now I can run 3 minutes with no problem?!
So once again, in the middle of my second 3 minute run I decided to keep going. Am I possibly ready for 5? Let's find out...
I totally ran 5 minutes! You wouldn't believe the mantras going on in my head.
* I can do this *I'm amazing! *Look at strong I am! *I am powerful! *One step closer to my goal!
and all the other cheesy things you say to yourself to keep yourself going.
It was incredible. I've never been prouder of myself.
I know that 5 minutes is nothing to a lot of people out there, but it was huge deal for me.
After the run, I went to a yoga class. Have I mentioned before how much I love yoga? And as challenging as yoga can be, it was cake after running for 5 minutes.
My favorite part of the class: my instructor mentioned at the beginning how we should celebrate our small victories. That is what I'm doing - celebrating a victory! 5 minutes is only a small step toward my ultimate goal, but it is a victory nonetheless. And I am so incredibly proud of myself for pushing for it.
I'm finally ready to move on to week 4! Only about 8 weeks after starting :-)
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Happy New Year
I am so grateful for where I am in my life right now. I am so proud of what I'm been able to overcome and what I've discovered about this beautiful, strong person that I have grown into. And I'm so excited about all the things I have to look forward to this year.
I'm on my way to achieving goals that I've always been afraid to attempt.
I have weddings to attends. Trips to take. Kids to discover the world with. Friends to grow with.
I am so much more independant than I have ever been. I know much better now what I'm capable of.
At some point, very soon, I will no longer have a husband. But I will never be alone.
That's probably the greatest thing that I can take away from 2014:
I am strong. I am capable. I am not alone.
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