Love and Loss

When people first found out about D and me separating, I got a lot of sympathy. Some people understood how I felt because they had experienced the same loss. Other people couldn't empathize, but sent me as much encouragement as they could despite not really understanding what I was going through. But for the most part, everyone was kind and helpful and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

A couple of times I was told that going through a divorce was as bad as losing a spouse in death. I couldn't really relate since I had never experienced the latter. All I knew was that I had lost something and the grieving process was brutal.

I use to wonder if my grief would be the same had I lost D in any way that was not by choice. 

I now have a better idea of the difference.

Last weekend, my sister's husband of 13 years passed away. He was 36 years old.

Her loss is not the same. I know that now. Apples and oranges. Both of us have experienced life changing loss and both of us have pain associated with it. But I could never say that I know what it is like to experience the kind of loss she's going through.

So in writing my feelings about my family's experience this last weekend, I'm not going to focus on the similarities and differences of what she and I have gone through. Instead, I want to focus on what she had.

My sister, "S", was madly in love with "J". They had their problems like all couples do. Some of them were shared and others, I'm sure, they kept between them. But their love was so obvious.

As I was reading the portion of his life story that S had written, I remember being so impressed at how all the beautiful things she had written about him were things that she spoke of regularly before he passed away. Every time I saw some sort of public exchange of how they felt about each other, I was happy and encouraged by their expressions of love. They didn't wait until they were apart to say how they felt. It didn't take J dying before S expressed how highly she thought of him. They put effort into their relationship every day and the affection was apparent.

Their love was beautiful. It still is.

How do you achieve something like that? I use to think that I knew how. I even thought that I had something like that at one time.

I have lots of examples of great relationships. I also have lots of examples of bad relationships. If my brother-in-law's death has taught me anything, it's to strive to have relationships in my life that I will not regret or wish that I had worked harder on.

It's taken me a long time, but I now can see some things in my marriage that did not work. Some things are my fault - some are not. Some things could not have been helped. Some things were actually really awesome! But I know that if I had lost D any other way than the dissolution of our marriage, I would have wished I had done things differently. I would have realized that I did not put enough effort into seeing the good in him and sharing my feelings with him. I would have regretted the time we spent being angry about unimportant, petty things. I would have been so mad at myself for how much I took him for granted.

This is another step forward, I suppose. I know now what kind of love I want and what I need to do to ensure that I can always look back and be grateful that I appreciated every moment. More than that, I realize how important it is to cherish all my relationships: children, family, friends.

To anyone reading this, don't be afraid to tell your loved ones how you feel. Hug and kiss and cuddle. Public or private, it doesn't matter. Who cares if people think its cheesy or annoying. There may come a time that you wish you had spent more time letting that person know how you felt. There's no doubt in my mind that J loved my sister. I saw it during his life and I'm so glad she'll never have to wonder.