What I haven't been slacking on, however, is my running! I'm sticking with it. It's going to take much longer than the originally planned 8 weeks. Not only did my week of injuries set me back a little, but the program really pushes you! One week it has me running 3 minute intervals, the next 5 minute intervals! I'm actually really enjoying the running, but I'm being careful and doing each week several times before moving on to the next level. It just works better for me that way.
My favorite thing about the running is that I spend a lot of time thinking. I think about why I'm running, about what I would like to blog about as I find the time, and I think about the person I am and what I'm becoming. It's still such an amazing growing experience.
I feel very fortunate that I am a positive person. I've always been able to look on the bright side. This time in my life has been the most difficult to keep up with that part of my personality, but most of the time I've still been able to remain upbeat.
Sometimes I wonder that because I am a positive, upbeat person, if I am not allowing myself to deal with the bad stuff well enough. You hear it all the time: people bottling up their feelings and eventually exploding in a bad way because they didn't face their issues head on. Well, I definitely bottle things up. I worry about it sometimes, but I've had a few days recently that helped me find good ways to deal with the sadness and negativity of my situation.
A few Tuesdays before Christmas, I went to a rehearsal. This rehearsal is one of my regular, weekly 3 hour long rehearsals where I am blessed to sing with 2 groups of fabulous people who have become as close as family to me. Since D and I separated, the kids have been having to go with me to the rehearsals. It has been a pretty hard adjustment all around. The kids are up over 2 hours past their bedtime, I'm not able to 100% focus on the songs we're working on, and the kids cause a little bit of a distraction because, well, you know - they're kids! I feel so bad for them and for the other members of the group. Really, they are all awesome about it. The kids actually enjoy it and my friends are so supportive and patient. Normally there is no problem.
This particular Tuesday, the kids were extremely restless and I was especially emotional. As I've said before, my kids really are amazing! They are good kids. But they are very much kids. I barely made half of the rehearsal before I couldn't take it anymore and I brought them home. They crashed as soon as their heads hit the bed and I spent the rest of the night and the next day laying around being sad and crying over my situation.
I hate that in order for me to continue singing and enjoying my hobbies and passions, I have to drag my 4 and 5 year olds to 3-hour long rehearsals. I hate that it's so incredibly hard to keep up with my housework because I now have to take on more roles than any one person should have to take on on their own. I hate how I've lost so much control over my life. I hate how much guilt I have to fight knowing that the place I'm at in my life is not my fault even though it feels that way.
It's funny how one bad experience reminds you of all the bad stuff that you try so hard not to focus on. Then you spend the next day or so dealing with it all at once.
I think D had the kids the next day so I'm glad they didn't see me spending so much time being down. I really don't want anyone to see me as anything but my normal, upbeat self, especially my kids. I am strong and capable and growing so much. But even the strongest have bad days. I've come to realize this.
I've also come to realize how important my bad days are. It's the bad days that allow me to be genuinely happy on my good days. I have to deal with the pain somehow. Fortunately, my bad days don't last long. I've kind of given myself a time limit to how long I can let myself have a pity party. And then it's time to get up out of bed and remind myself of the things that make the bad days worth living through.
So, for the most part, I believe that my happy self is not a facade. I really am happy, despite the circumstances.
This holiday season brought about more bad days than usual. While I didn't really expect it to be that way, I'm not surprised. It's really hard slowly realizing how different life is from what it was...from how it was suppose to be. But I'm doing good. I'm actually doing pretty great, considering. But I have been feeling less upbeat lately. I am so glad that 2015 is around the corner. 2014 has been a crappy year. I'm so ready to let it go and move on. I believe wholeheartedly that next year is going to be amazing. I'm going to have my bad days. I'm going to let myself have those bad days. Then I'm going to shake it off, smile and continue moving forward.
I'm going to be amazing.
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