The Epiphany

Last night I had an epiphany.
I guess it was more like 3:00 this morning.
I realized that I didn't need someone to love me for me to be enough. I just need to love myself.
Of course, that doesn't mean that having people in your life who love and care about you isn't important. I just realized that the low points in my life were the times when I lost someone I loved and didn't feel as if I was good enough without them. It was as if I needed someone to care about me in order for me to be my best self and be fully happy. I don't want to live like that anymore. I can't live like that anymore.

I'm creating this space to tell my story and to chronicle my journey to becoming my own best friend.

So, first off - why am I here?

Well, this year has been full of some of the most incredible highs and the most devastating lows.

I had such a great life. Last January I celebrated my 9th anniversary to an amazing guy who took care of me, supported me in all my craziness, and allowed me to stay at home to be with my two beautiful children. I was confident, talented and surrounded by people who I enjoyed being around and who enjoyed being around me. We had a beautiful home. My husband had a stable job that he loved. Even with the trials and imperfections of life, things were pretty great. I felt blessed and happy and secure. I knew what I wanted in life and how to get there.

Then a bomb was dropped.

My husband of 9 years decided that he no longer wanted to be my husband. I think I'll save the details of how that transpired for another post.

But the bottom line is that my world was turned upside down and I was not prepared for it. I wish that I could say that I was strong and self-assured enough that I handled the break-up gracefully. Perhaps in public it looked as if I did. I think I handled it as well as I could, but it tore me apart. All that confidence I felt I had...yeah, it was gone - as if it never really existed. I was crushed and lost and even now don't know exactly what life has in store for me.

That was last May.

The last 6 months have been a crazy roller coaster of healing and heartache and self-discovery. But I have yet to begin the journey that I think will bring about the most peace...becoming enough without a partner. Becoming my own best friend.

I am committed to this blog for the next 8 weeks. I hope to go longer, but that is my minimum. I'm choosing 8 weeks because part of my plan is to achieve a goal that I've always been afraid of trying - I'm going to run a 5K. It's going to be a couch to 5K, meaning I don't run. It's hard for me and I've never been one to work hard at something that doesn't come easily to me. And that's exactly why I'm choosing to do this. I want to work hard at something that is hard for me to do. I want to struggle through a process of MY OWN CHOOSING. I want to have full control of something and prove to myself that I AM strong. I AM capable. And I'm going to be ok. I'm not doing this for anyone else. Just for me. And I can't wait to see where the next 8 weeks lead me.

So, now that I've gotten all that off my chest. Time to keep myself accountable.
Goals:  
      Physical Growth:
Participate in a 5K at the beginning of the year
        *Find a 5K and sign up for it
        *Follow the Couch to 5K program running 3 times a week with yoga between days (I already started this morning!)
   
     Spiritual Growth:
Scripture reading every day
Daily morning prayer of gratitude
   
     Emotional Growth:
This blog
       *blog at least 3 times a week to help me get it all out and see my progress
       *be honest 
Continue setting goals

This is how I'm starting out. I'm not doing this to impress anyone - I don't have anyone to impress. I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this to be a better mom, a better person, and someday maybe even a better wife because I wont have to rely on someone else loving me in order to be truly happy.

Wish me luck!

* Since I didn't have the kids this morning, I decided to start off in the most beautiful setting I could think of. It went awesome and it felt great. I'm super encouraged and motivated. *