Up until yesterday, my morning runs have been awesome! I would almost wish they were longer and I was super excited that they were relatively easy - at least easier than expected. It's kind of nice to discover that you're in better shape than you had realized.
For some reason, however, yesterday's run was rough. It's not that it was hard, I just didn't want to do it! The plan was to go to yoga and get on the treadmill afterwards. I had to force myself to wake up for yoga and then spent the whole hour in an internal struggle deciding whether or not I could get by skipping the run for the day.
Fortunately I had a goal and was determined to not get behind. Yay for holding yourself accountable!
But I didn't enjoy yesterday's run. It's ok though. I'm really thinking that it's not a normal thing and wont effect me moving forward. I'm already looking forward to when I can run again. I think it was just that morning. I hadn't eaten well the night before and had been staying up very late for a couple of nights beforehand. I guess there is something to that whole eating well and getting plenty of rest thing, huh?
I made it through the run despite being tempted to just go half way. I ran a lot less distance than the last time I was on the treadmill. But you know what? I finished it -- even when I didn't want to. Even when it was hard. I'm choosing to look at this as progress.
So, on to today's subject. While I was running, I was thinking about self-image.
I'm a girl, obviously. I am also a normal girl. I go through cycles and periods of time when I hate how I look or I'm uber-critical of myself. And being who I am, comments about how I look or how I come across in public - or lack of comments - REALLY effect me. It's silly, I know. But it's how I am.
The most prominent, and most recent, example of this is how I viewed myself after D began the process of ending our marriage. I had never felt so unlovely - so physically ugly. I mean, if I were attractive, why would he give up on my so easily? I know - that's not a realistic thought process. But it's how it made me feel.
I imagine that the years leading up this point didn't help me with my self-image. Becoming a mom changed how much time I spent in front of a mirror. The only times I really put any effort into how I looked was for church, when I went out on a date with D, or when I had some sort of performance to attend. Probably the best compliment I would get during this period in my life is that I "clean up well". I truly began to believe that I was not an attractive person. But it wasn't that important to me. I mean come on! I had someone in my life that loved me no matter what! Right? :-/
I never did see myself as "ugly", though...not until my roadtrip to Arizona. This epic trip, which I promise I will eventually chronicle on here, was right after Dwight began to lay out his plans for our separation. I still have a hard time looking at pictures of that time because I hate every one of them. I felt ugly. I believed myself to be ugly. Maybe I wasn't...but I saw myself that way.
At some point in my journey, when I'm ready, I'm going to finally post some of those pictures for my family to be able to see. I'm just not quite ready to face that dark period...
It was an interesting time. Obviously I was going through a lot of emotions at the time, and focusing on the fact that I was looking and feeling especially frumpy was probably one of the lesser of the difficult things to deal with. I'm honestly not really sure how I pulled out of it since it was not a priority. My real focus was dealing with the emotional aspects of the breakup and making the tough decisions that came as a consequence of the changes beyond my control. No time to worry about whether or not I hated looking in the mirror or seeing a picture of myself.
It wasn't until my run yesterday that I began to think of the contrast between how I viewed myself back in June and how I view myself today.
Fortunately, I've come to have a much more positive self-image these days. When people compliment me, I'm beginning to actually believe them. I've found myself appreciating some of my physical aspects rather than shying away from even noticing them. I almost hesitate to write any of this, but I have to remind myself that I'm doing this blog thing for me. I'm not going to allow myself to worry about coming across as vain or self-absorbed because it's important for me to be honest with myself about these things. Today I can look at the mirror and see someone beautiful. I'm really grateful for that. No apologies.
Why do I feel differently about the girl I see in the mirror now vs 6 months ago? I still worked out and focused on being healthy back then. I still smiled. I had all the same clothes. These days I probably have even less time to primp then I even had back then. So - what's the difference?
Maybe it's inside of me. Maybe since I don't have the luxury of being with someone who I thought would love me despite my imperfections, I've automatically begun to change into someone who could love themselves despite the imperfections. Maybe... Hopefully.
That's what I'm working toward, right? Self-love and acceptance. I would love to be able to see myself in a beautiful, positive light physically as well as love the person I am on the inside.
Or perhaps the difference is that I went from not spending much time caring or thinking about myself to having to consciously think and care about myself in order to survive. Otherwise I would have ended up in a dark corner somewhere. Maybe there is something important about spending a little bit of extra time of "you".
In writing all of this, I automatically worry about how I come across. We live in such a judgmental world. When someone says "I'm ugly", you might get people who tell you to "stop saying that" - "don't think that" - "you're just fishing for compliment". And when someone says "I'm beautiful", you get those who will say "you're so full of yourself" - "you think you're so much better that other people" - "stop being so vain".
Well guess what world? Feelings are real. How we view ourselves is a real thing. And it's ok to be real. I'm not writing any of this as a way of fishing for compliments (although, I must say that my love language just so happens to be "words of affirmation") or as a way of pointing out how beautiful my eyes are so that people will notice.
I just want to appreciate how far I've come. It's kind of a nice thing to like what you see in the mirror. It's exciting to think that I can like what I look like even when I don't have someone who I'm hoping will notice.
You're still going to see me running errands in the stinky yoga pants and bedhead that I just worked out in -- I'm too low maintenance to keep up with my hair and makeup every day. But I'm not going to drag myself down about it anymore. I'm a beautiful person -- inside and out. That's so weird to say out loud! But I kind of like it.
I just thought of a post for another day -- Wouldn't it be so great if we could all speak our own love language...to ourselves!
Something to think about :-)
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