Another Epiphany

So here I am, close to 7 months since my last post....and I find myself needing this again.

One thing I discovered during this process of healing is that there are many phases to go through. And I find myself repeating many of them over and over again. One day I feel great! The next day I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. My therapist reminds me all the time that it will come in waves and to not worry about whether or not it means that I'm not doing good on my road to recovery.

Oh - my therapist! Yeah, that's a new development. I actually started seeing her around the same time I stopped blogging. I got to a point where I realized that I needed to be sure that I was coping properly. And I also realized that I could no longer write my feelings in a public setting without saying things things about my ex that people don't really need to know I think. So I began a private journey that turned more into going through the motions.

This morning, however, I had another epiphany. I think it came about because of decisions that have been made recently that have thrown my entire world out of whack...again. That happens a lot, by the way. The whole "life hands you curve balls" thing is real! And for a major life transition like divorce, the curve balls don't stop.

Let me back up a little.

 I am officially divorced. May 28th. The second worst day of my life - which also happened to be an amazing day. Long story short, the day D went to the courthouse to have the judge finalize the papers, I was getting on a cruise ship for a solo vacation that will forever define my determination and independence. So it was the best of times and the worst of times for sure.

Before and after that day, I feel as though I mean it when I say that I felt I was just going through the motions. It's actually a coping mechanism, I've come to realize. If I have logistical things to deal with in my life, I don't have to deal with the emotional stuff. I was talking to a professional who let me know that I'm perfectly normal. I had the kids to focus on and a house that held endless possibilities of rearrangement. There were guys to date and songs to sing and the emotional stuff was much easier to ignore.

Don't get me wrong, I still have rough days. But I mostly ignored the magnitude of how this divorce had impacted my life and my psyche.

Then D and I decided to put the kids in school.

I guess that's being generous. Again, this blog is not to bad mouth my ex so I wont go into details about how the decision mainly came about because of his lack of his support and more of his broken promises. The end result wont change no matter how much I cry and complain about how it came about.

So I'll just say that the decision had to be made and I am heartbroken over it, but I know that this is the way it has to be for now.

Jonah will be going to public school. Becca will be going to VPK. They will not be homeschooled this year.

And I have officially experienced my first real panic attack.

School is not a bad place for my kids and I know that they will do so well and will thrive and just be as awesome there as they would be as home.

But it represents the final nail in the coffin. Everything about my old life, the life I chose and worked for, has now been taken away from me.

And I worry so much about different things. Some are legitimate fears and some are just worries that in the end will prove to not have been anything at all. But they have taken away my sleep and my calm....which brings me to this morning.

4:00am, I awoke thinking about a specific fear I have and there was absolutely no way I was going back to sleep. I became very shaky and it became hard to breathe. I decided that laying there panicking was doing me no good so I decided to organize my craft closet. (See how I go straight to cleaning and organizing and rearranging when I feel like I've lost control of something. I find it so interesting).

Anyway...

I had a lot of thoughts during those few hours of freaking out and crying and praying and forcing myself to doing something constructive to keep my heart from exploding. One thought, however, hit me hard and gave me a knew focus. This was my epiphany.

If you read or remember my first epiphany, it was that I needed to learn to love myself. That is still so important to me. I may have lost the a little of the drive after I finished my goal of taking part in a 5k, but I did not lose the desire. So that is still something I strive for everyday. But this epiphany had to do with my precious children.

Those amazing kids have been through so much this last year and a half. And they have done spectacularly! They have been resilient and loving and happy and accepting -- all things that D and I did not deserve for what we put them through.

Having said that, I realized that with all the things I've been coping with and worrying about, I have missed out on part of their childhood as I have dealt with the logistics on having my life turned upside down. I haven't had as many opportunities to sit down and play make believe with them. The summer got away from me since I thought we'd have the school year to do more activities. And during the moments when I just couldn't hold in the heartache I was feeling, they had the keep themselves company while I took some time to cry...I know that these are not horrible things and that every mom needs time to themselves for one reason or another, but it probably happened more often than what should have been normal. Despite all that, my kids are still so awesome and know how much they are loved and show me love constantly. I am so blessed.

But they deserve better. They deserve more of my time and non-business like attention. I'm done with trying to clean and organize while I have them in my care. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have time away from the kids...50% of my nights as a matter of fact. I can use that time more wisely so that when I'm with my babes, I'm 100% with my babes. I don't want to miss out on any more of their precious childhood years. Too much of it was spent dealing with the effects of the divorce and its time that I change my focus, especially now that I will no longer have the chance to spend every day with them for their schooling.

I love my sweet J and B more than I ever thought I could love someone. They are my family. They are all I have left of the life that I dreamed of for myself. They are the most important part of that life. I do not want to take my time with them for granted any more.

How I plan to use this blog to help me with this new focus, I don't know. But I felt strongly that I needed to write it. If for no other reason than for me to get my feelings out. Perhaps someone going through a similar situation will read something that will help them along their path. Maybe the people who will read this who know me and love me will be able to help keep me accountable. I don't know why I'm blogging again, but I already feel better for just getting it all out.

My kids should be here soon.......I can't wait to start our day together!!

My heart has been touched today

I like watching random inspirational videos that I find on facebook, but none has touched me as much as this one has. I'm not even really sure why it has touched me so much, but I'm loving it.


I'm still running and still working toward my goal of completing a 5k. I still look forward to the day when I reach the finish line and can say that I did something that at one time I thought was impossible.



But I think I forgot what is was I was really trying to accomplish - learning to love myself...learning to be happy with who I am and not have to feel like everyone around me has to recognize my worth in order for me to recognize it in myself.


This young lady has overcome odds and obstacles that few people will ever truly understand. She loves herself and is working to spread the message of "unconditional love" with everyone who is blessed enough to listen to her sweet voice.

I want to be like this girl. I want to see the best in myself and also have the ability see the best in others. I'm so grateful for this reminder. It's so easy to become uber critical of the world around you. But we are all beloved children of our Heavenly Father. He is happy with my progress and loves me unconditionally, I have no doubt. He is also happy with every single person I come in contact with and loves them unconditionally as well.

Time to work to remember that.


Time to refocus.

The First Anniversary

10 years ago today I made a decision.

I remember the day so well. I woke up early at my sister's house. My childhood best friend was with me. I went to have my hair done at a family friend's house. I came back and did my makeup - my friend told me I was putting everything on in the wrong order.
D picked me up and took me to the temple. We were so young and in love. I felt so lucky to have someone who saw me the way he did. We made a beautiful couple. We took the most beautiful pictures. I cried during the ceremony. My mom had to keep fixing the top of my dress. The sealing was beautiful. The luncheon was beautiful. I sang to him. His friends toasted to us. Our get-away car was tastefully decorated...

What is the point of reliving all of these memories.

Unexpectedly, today is turning out to be one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I didn't know that what should have been a milestone anniversary could bring on so much hurt; not when I have found so much peace.

I guess the difficulty is remembering how much hope we had. We both wanted a life together and had such a promising future. I loved him and he loved me. We both felt that we needed the other to be complete. It just so hard to imagine that anything could tear us apart.

What happened? Did we become different people? Did we forget what we were working toward? What could possibly be so difficult to work through that we would give up what we had? Why couldn't he have just told me he was worried about our relationship instead of just waiting until he felt there was no hope?

We obviously loved each other deeply at one time.

Our marriage was a choice. Both of us made it. This divorce was also a choice, but it was not mine. How fair is that?

Someone asked me how I could not have seen what was happening. I really don't know. I figured that our problems were just like everyone else's problems and all I wanted to do was work together and grow together. I still firmly believe that if he had been willing to, we could have made it work.

Anyone who has been reading this blog knows that I work very hard to not say anything bad about D. He is a very good man and does not deserve to be brutally bashed in a place where he cannot defend himself. Days like today, however, make it hard for me to not vent my anger.

Last year, on our 9th anniversary, we were getting ready to go on a family cruise. We were talking about having another baby. I contacted my family to tell them that we wanted to have a big 10 year shin-dig the next year and they were all invited. Whether or not people believe me, I did not know that he already had it in his mind that our marriage had failed.

Yes, the difficulties that we had in our relationship were both of our fault. But I will never except the blame for our marriage ending. I begged to work things out. I compromised. I sacrificed. I pleaded for us to get counseling. But he just said that it was pointless. It wouldn't do any good.

I really do understand better now. Most days I'm grateful to be where I am and to realize what I could have someday. I guess it's just hard today because I remember having that same hope when I made my promises to D 10 years ago.

It's just another step in the process that I have to go through. I know I will be ok and that somehow both of us will find the happiness that we had back then. It's just hard. Most of those 10 years were amazing. I wish that I could have celebrated today a little bit differently.

Love and Loss

When people first found out about D and me separating, I got a lot of sympathy. Some people understood how I felt because they had experienced the same loss. Other people couldn't empathize, but sent me as much encouragement as they could despite not really understanding what I was going through. But for the most part, everyone was kind and helpful and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

A couple of times I was told that going through a divorce was as bad as losing a spouse in death. I couldn't really relate since I had never experienced the latter. All I knew was that I had lost something and the grieving process was brutal.

I use to wonder if my grief would be the same had I lost D in any way that was not by choice. 

I now have a better idea of the difference.

Last weekend, my sister's husband of 13 years passed away. He was 36 years old.

Her loss is not the same. I know that now. Apples and oranges. Both of us have experienced life changing loss and both of us have pain associated with it. But I could never say that I know what it is like to experience the kind of loss she's going through.

So in writing my feelings about my family's experience this last weekend, I'm not going to focus on the similarities and differences of what she and I have gone through. Instead, I want to focus on what she had.

My sister, "S", was madly in love with "J". They had their problems like all couples do. Some of them were shared and others, I'm sure, they kept between them. But their love was so obvious.

As I was reading the portion of his life story that S had written, I remember being so impressed at how all the beautiful things she had written about him were things that she spoke of regularly before he passed away. Every time I saw some sort of public exchange of how they felt about each other, I was happy and encouraged by their expressions of love. They didn't wait until they were apart to say how they felt. It didn't take J dying before S expressed how highly she thought of him. They put effort into their relationship every day and the affection was apparent.

Their love was beautiful. It still is.

How do you achieve something like that? I use to think that I knew how. I even thought that I had something like that at one time.

I have lots of examples of great relationships. I also have lots of examples of bad relationships. If my brother-in-law's death has taught me anything, it's to strive to have relationships in my life that I will not regret or wish that I had worked harder on.

It's taken me a long time, but I now can see some things in my marriage that did not work. Some things are my fault - some are not. Some things could not have been helped. Some things were actually really awesome! But I know that if I had lost D any other way than the dissolution of our marriage, I would have wished I had done things differently. I would have realized that I did not put enough effort into seeing the good in him and sharing my feelings with him. I would have regretted the time we spent being angry about unimportant, petty things. I would have been so mad at myself for how much I took him for granted.

This is another step forward, I suppose. I know now what kind of love I want and what I need to do to ensure that I can always look back and be grateful that I appreciated every moment. More than that, I realize how important it is to cherish all my relationships: children, family, friends.

To anyone reading this, don't be afraid to tell your loved ones how you feel. Hug and kiss and cuddle. Public or private, it doesn't matter. Who cares if people think its cheesy or annoying. There may come a time that you wish you had spent more time letting that person know how you felt. There's no doubt in my mind that J loved my sister. I saw it during his life and I'm so glad she'll never have to wonder.

Another milestone

I accidentally ran 5 minutes!

I just wanted to see if I could do it.

Earlier this week I decided to run the bridge again. I hadn't run the bridge since starting the 3 minute week (which I have repeated 4 times now) and so I decided to challenge myself.

The week 3 of my couch to 5k program looks like this:

1 1/2 minute run, 1 1/2 minute walk, 3 minute run, 3 minute walk - repeated 2 times

I started the final 3 minute run when I was at the top of the bridge. Going down is SO much easier than going up - so I decided to keep running even after the program told me to slow down and walk. I ran all the way down and felt amazing. I have no clue how long I ran but since it was so easy, I decided to keep running to the car. Running on a flat surface is obviously more difficult than running downhill. I just wanted to see if I could do it.

Once I got to the car, I thought of how nice it would be to end my run next to the water, so I kept running. And I made it!

I was totally "Rocky" in that moment. It was amazing!

Even after that, however, the idea of running for 5 minutes straight without the benefit of a steep down-hill slope scared me! So on my run yesterday, which was a treadmill run, I decided to stick with my 3 minute run.

But it was so easy! Wasn't it just a month or so ago when 30 second runs winded me? And now I can run 3 minutes with no problem?!

So once again, in the middle of my second 3 minute run I decided to keep going. Am I possibly ready for 5? Let's find out...

I totally ran 5 minutes! You wouldn't believe the mantras going on in my head.

* I can do this *I'm amazing! *Look at strong I am! *I am powerful! *One step closer to my goal!
  and all the other cheesy things you say to yourself to keep yourself going.

It was incredible. I've never been prouder of myself.

I know that 5 minutes is nothing to a lot of people out there, but it was huge deal for me.

After the run, I went to a yoga class. Have I mentioned before how much I love yoga? And as challenging as yoga can be, it was cake after running for 5 minutes.

My favorite part of the class: my instructor mentioned at the beginning how we should celebrate our small victories. That is what I'm doing - celebrating a victory! 5 minutes is only a small step toward my ultimate goal, but it is a victory nonetheless. And I am so incredibly proud of myself for pushing for it.

I'm finally ready to move on to week 4! Only about 8 weeks after starting :-)

Happy New Year

 I keep thinking to myself that 2015 is going to be a good year BECAUSE nothing can be worse than 2014. But really, 2015 is going to be a good year because it just is.

I am so grateful for where I am in my life right now. I am so proud of what I'm been able to overcome and what I've discovered about this beautiful, strong person that I have grown into. And I'm so excited about all the things I have to look forward to this year.

I'm on my way to achieving goals that I've always been afraid to attempt.

I have weddings to attends. Trips to take. Kids to discover the world with. Friends to grow with.

I am so much more independant than I have ever been. I know much better now what I'm capable of.

At some point, very soon, I will no longer have a husband. But I will never be alone.

That's probably the greatest thing that I can take away from 2014:

I am strong. I am capable. I am not alone.